Naming A Feeling: Granted

I have things I don't deserve.

I did not earn life, I did not earn air.

I did not earn a childhood with Light-Brites, Sailor Moon, a goofy dad, a warm mom, an energetic sibling, skittish kitties,

a family with farm land, cows, hearing trains go by,

hearing a horse breathe while feeding it, allowing me to pet its nose.

I wonder how that horse felt about a little child looking at it with fear, comfort, amazement and caution.

Did it see me as a child?

I didn't earn my friendships, I was placed at the right place at the right time to meet the right people.

I didn't earn my intellect,

my interests that would lead me to doing things I love.

I didn't earn the taste of my favorite foods,

the deepest laughs that I would share with a culture,

I didn't even earn the privilege to become aware of this.

I didn't earn my skills, my job,

language, communication,

sex, coffee,

the love of cats,

the affection of dogs,

feeling the presence of a houseplant.

I didn't earn the sense of admiration I have when I look in the mirror,

I didn't do anything to earn the privilege of thinking I'm beautiful.

I didn't earn the taste of tomatoes, nor their accessibility,

I didn't earn access to food.

I didn't earn their simplicity.

I didn't earn butterflies,

I didn't earn kisses from them.

I didn't earn pregnancy and the knowing of what it is to look at a child and see a person immerging into the world, joining all the rest of us in all our silliness.

I didn't earn smiles from people,

I didn't do anything to witness or share that.

I didn't do shit.

All of this is just here, it was all just given to me, it was

unfortunately,

granted.

I didn't earn it, its not mine,

and I'll never do anything to ever feel I've earned it.

And that's knowing what love is, ... this feeling.

I didn't do shit, and I'm never going to do shit that warrants me receiving this.

And I can't do anything about it. And I'm not being asked to.