March 21 2026

I'm appreciating unfathomable gratitude today.

Lately, I've just been thinking.

Why does God do what he does for me? Who am I supposed to be? I'm not anybody and I don't deserve it.

None of my blessings are worked for. I didn't pull any of them out, I have not extracted a thing yet everything falls in place.

I could say I'm a life designer,

That I walk in faith and I am rewarded because of that,

That I have a "mission" that i'm on or that I'm a "vessel" being used for a greater purpose; that none of this is for me, that it's all for something else...

I could say all that, but I really don't know. And you know what? That's where the awe is. I don't know. If I knew, I could claim something and I wouldn't be astonished. I'm glad I don't get it. Am I?

I'm grateful I remembered to observe today. To literally slow down the way I walk. To realize, "You know what? I'm a human. I'm here. This is the only life I get. Why are I hoofing through it?". Let me feel the pressure in my shoes from each step, listen to the sound of kids playing and cars going by on the highway. Seeing the daytime pass from bright and blue to purples and oranges, noticing how the daytime starts cool, warms up a bit, then cools down again. I'm a part of an earth, a whole planet, and how it functions affect me every day. How the sun and moon function's affects me every day. Their shadows and positions matter. We have to share the summer with the whole world.

I just don't know what I did to have anything I have. Why do I like learning? Why do I like to write? Why am I curious? Without any of these things, who would I be? Why do these things synthesize together in such a way that makes something so dope? Why do I feel authorized to express myself now in ways I didn't allow before?

I just don't get what I did to deserve this. I don't get it.

Why do people being out and about feel like decor? Like their energy and they beauty their experiencing in their day is a part of what makes the world feel good? Why does seeing families play make me think of fun I had in my own childhood?

I just don't get it. All I can do is shake my head, because I don't get it.

Why do I meet beautiful caring people? Why do they like me back?

How did I come to grow up feeling so proud of myself when I once second, third , forth, and fifth-guessed myself?

Why is the number smaller now?

Why do people grow up and evolve?

I would say "I'm not perfect" but perfect is not even the goal, never was. What is that, "perfect" ?. I like seeing the shifts. I get nothing if I'm perfect. Screw the performance of "right" I want to be who I am. I want to earn my change, not act them out.